The LIfe of Mom

        The Mom life is not always an easy road or journey to be on and yet it has so many rewards along the way. From the very moment when you find out your pregant and for the rest of your life you will always be going through different stages and development with your children which is a wonderful amazing reward in itself. I have felt heartbreak, pain, sadiness and happines along with pure Joy. I have my first born child my baby girl she was my first miracle child. I didnt think that I could ever have children I just thought that being a mother was not in the plans that God had for me and my life. As I was learning and begining to accept that fact I was still praying to God he would bless me to be a mother I vowed and promised I would train my daughter in his ways do my best to teach her about God. She would be his because he first knew her she was his before she was mine to raise love cherish her. Then surpize 6 years later here comes my son I was not expecting to be able to have another baby even though I had prayed for my son. I asked God and Prayed for a little boy. I was never suppose to have children and I know have two children, My son is now 6 years old about to turn 7 and my daughter is 12 about to turn 13. My son just started school last year while my daughter just started middle school last year. Now my daughter is in the 7th grade while my son is in the 1st grade. 

        This is for all my mamas out there you got this yes mother hood is frusrating when your kids dont want to listen to you. You told your little toddler no they cant have something that they want and they throw that big tantrum in the middle of the store or at check out your frustrated and so embrassed. Just rememeber to give yourself grace and mercy you are doing the best you can. When you sweet child decides she or he wants to grab a candy bar off that checkout shelf and start eatring that darn candy bar and your on a tight budget just to buy groceries and all your houshold items. I know at those specific times and moments you are stressed and worried about how you are gonna make it make ends meet how you are gonna stretch your last dollar down to the last penny. Mama try your best to jsut cherish those little moments take time to laugh have joy and peace in your life. Those are the memories that will last a lifetime in your mind as they grow up and get bigger they are no longer that little sweet child you remember what seamed like it was not so long ago. 

        When it comes to choosing how you want your birthing experiance for all my new mamas and curent pregant mamas please take my advice dont let any one tell you how you should have your birhting experiance or where. If you can choose how you want to have your birthing experiance that is the best advice I can give to you. I really do regret not having the birthing experiance I really wanted to have that was having a water birth. I wanted to do the whole natural birth and a water birth. I let other people tell me no I of course listened I didnt do my whole birthing expericance completely the way I wanted them. However I did get to have an all natural birth without any pain medications of any medicail inventions like a C-section. I was blessed however with my daughter I was fully dilated my water did not break the nurses kept telling me not to push I of course tried not to pushe when I felt the urge to push this was my first child my first child birthing experiance. They of course had to break my water with my daughter then I started to able to push her out. My whole experiance from my first contraction to giving birth I had my daughter in two hours of gettting to the hosptial. My son I had him within an hour of getting to the hospital I really wanted to have pain medication for the pain it was so painful but I was too far in my labor and dialted. This time when I had the urge to push to push I pushed I didnt let my nursint stuff or any body else tell me different this is my baby this is my body I knew when I needed to push or not I had my son within an hour of getting to the hospital. I know my birthing experiance how long it took me to have both my children is rare most women have a long labor and delivery time. I heard of so many stories of women being in labor for 3 days still have not dilated enouigh the had to do C Section for the safety of the baby and the mother. I also hear of horriable storys that some mothers they had to emergcncey C Section because the babys heart rate started to go down and the unbilical cord was wrapped around their babys necks. I heard of other horrible birthing stories when the mother was giving birth the baby died in the middel of givign birth she still had to push the baby out give the baby a name fill out a birth certificate and death certificate. I remeber watching one mama and her story she had twins she was so happy so was her family husband. She went to the hosptial like normal gave birht to her twins like normal they were prematur like most twins are from my understanding. This mama I watched her have to say good bye to one baby within the week then the second week she had to say goodbye to her second bye she gave birth to two babys then she had to say goodbye to both of them. Then she was worried about how she and her husband were gonna tell their other children that there little babys sibylings werer not gonna be coming home they are in heaven. 

         I am so thankful God didnt allow me to go through that pain of giving me a blessing of a child or two children then just to take them away from me. So to all my mamas out there who have experianced that kind of pain your not alone. My heart goes out to you all you are not forgotten. Your babys are not forgotten. For all my mamas out there who have experiance misscarrigages your are also not forgotten for we have love and lost went through our own pain. I know that experiance of a misscarriage is painful, the loss and the grief is all too real. People just expect you to move on and forget live your life. Everyday in the back of my mind I am always wondreing if my baby survived that I lost at four months in my pregancey what he or she would look like. What would her or his personality be like. Would he or she have look more like me or daddy. Would he or she have more of my charteristics and perosnality or daddys. I have misscarried 3 trimes in my life time the third misscarriage I had really hit home fo rme I really griefed hard the loss of that baby. I do wonder about my first two I misscarried. I am all so gratful for my two children I carried to full term healthy babys and gave brith to them they are still here with me. I am so very thankful they are my whole world. If you ever suffered the loss of a child no matter the circumstances your not alone in your grief and loss of child. My heart goes out to you I pray for you and your family to have peace, joy and happiness agian in your life. 

The Truth About Anxiety

        I want to bring awareness to anxiety as this is a topic that needs to be discussed and the truth to be shared about how it really is living with anxiety. I live with anxiety everyday. Anxiety is real its not just some made up condition. The things that normal average people worry about in dialy life is amplyifed 10x  that for someone who has anxeity. Worrying about how the bills are gonna get paid if there is gonna be enough money in the budget to pay them even if just enough to keep the lights on and the water on oh then there is rent thats gotta get paid these are all normal everyday life struggles. For someone who has anxiety we tend  worry about normal everyday life things the anxiety goes up and so does the stress then comes the sleepless nights and nail biting. Maybe one of the kids has something at school and I worry about if I gonnabe able to have the funds the money I need to be able to be that mom parent that I always bring something to my childrens event or class partys whatever it is they have going on at school I want to be that parent who always helps provide things the class needs. I worry about if what I got what I did for my childrens school or class is it good enough is it enougb is it not enough. What would happen to my kids if something happened to me. What if I get hurt how am I going to be able to afford taking care of myselgf and my kids how am I gonna provide for them. What if I died in accident something bad happened to me what would happen to my kids who would take care of them? On top of daily life stuggles living with anxiety I am always wporried about anythign and everything that could possiable happen all the what ifs this what if that happened then what would happen to me or my kids. I am alwasys thinking about different constantly running thboughts in my head of all the possiabilites of different things that could go wrong or right. I am always questioning if I am doing something right or wrong a parent and a mother. I am always constantly worried about my kids. I am constatnly worried if my kids are not home from school at the normal time they are suppose to be I get worried stressed out my anxiety flares up I get anxious nervous worried if something happened to them what if they missed their bus or fell asleep on the bus forgot or missed their bus stop.

Sacred Heart Hospital Pediatrics ER

        Well, I had to take a trip to Sacred Heart Hospital Pediatrics ER a hospital specifically for children. My son woke up early yesterday morning throwing up not feeling well. He was up and down all night throwing up he also was really hot to the touch. My son complained his tummy hurts and his head hurts he had a headache. We waited patiently in the waiting room of the ER for an hour after we checked in and were finally seen by the triage or ER Nurse. We still had to go back out in the waiting room to be called in the back to be placed in a patient's room in the ER department. 

        My son poor baby he was so dehydrated that they had to do IV they do the children IV differently. It's like a straw. My son needed to have fluids they gave him through his IV. The doctors and nurses were all very kind, gentle, caring and understanding. The doctors and nurses gave Childrens Mortin by mouth and steroid medicine through his IV. They also were monitoring his blood pressure, pulse and heart rate instead of a blood pressure cuff they had what looked like a band aid wrapped around his thumb. They had the respiratory specialist come in give him a breathing treatment basically inhaler.

        I was so worried and scared about my baby boy that he may have COVID 19 possibly. I have never been so scared. I can feel my anxiety rising I had to remain calm and be strong for my son. I wanted to cry as I watched my baby boy, my child, my son be in pain not his normal happy self he was so tried and sleepy. I am so thankful for the life coach Sacred Heart his job was to make sure my son understood what was going to happen what the doctors had ordered what the nurses' jobs was sop that he could start feeling better. 

        The Xray techs were even so understanding when they took the x-rays they needed of his tummy and chest. My son did everything the Xray techs asked him to do. This was whole new experience for both myself and my son. The life coach even came back in helped keep him distracted and talked my son through the process of the IV what they call a straw that's what they use for children because their veins are so small and little. I wanted to cry I just comforted my son and talked to him to keep thinking about other things. He was very calm and brave he cried once then he was fine. I never knew that they had such a thing called a life coach to help explain the process of different procedures to help with children understanding things that's going to happen or been done to them. 

        I believe all hospitals should have life coaches for children and other people or individuals that need them. Life coaches is great for hospitals to have for patients that need the help the patients through the different procedures and processes. This helps the patients to be calm and prepared to know what is going on what is going to be done to them and their body's. 

        I want to thank all the Doctors, Nurses, Xray Tech and the Life Coach that was all there at the hospital taking care of my son during his time at the hospital in the ER. 

         My family we just finally got a new puppy that we all love so much . He is a pitbull and he is just so sweet he loves to cuddle and and play. He was the runt of his litter the other puppys were chunky and chubby so cute. I am glad we picked our new addition to our family. My children are happy that they finally got a puppy a dog that can grow up with them be a family dog and guard dog for protecting the family and our home. We just have to pick out a name for him. I dont know what we want to name him. Every name we try to figure out a name there the name we either agree we don't like or it just dont fit our new fur baby.  I think we finally settled on the name of shadow. Picking a name for a new fur baby can be hard when you want to make sure you pick a name that fits your fur baby. I want to make sure we pick a name that fits our new fur baby not only how he looks, but his personality. I want to make sure we pick a name that is just right. He is defintely a snuggle bug and so sweet. 

        Pit Bulls get a bad rep or name of being mean and vicious when actually thats the furtherest from the truth. Matter of fact Pit Bulls are rated the most people friendly, children friendly, human social, they have been proven to pass higher scale on the temperament tests then any other breeds. The Pit bull will also do anything to please its master. The owner can most cetainly control a pit bulls' behavior by how you raise the pit bull. A pit pull is not the one thats resposnable the being a good pit bull owner is up to the owner. Its not just pit bulls that can be aggressive its how the owner raises the pit bull and treat the pit pull. Pit bulls are not as vicisous as people say they are and they are not as mean as people say they are.

Thinking Positive Is Powerful Thinking

     I am from from perfect I dont evern try to be perfect becuase I got tried and weary of trying to be so perfect a goal I will never meet. Instead I strive to be myself who God created me to be with all my imperfect flaws, unique, corky, silly, and werid self. I had to learn to imbrace myself and all my imperfect flaws and imperfections. I had to learn to love my self that means loving all of me my whole self including my imperfect mind, body, skin, spirit and soul. I am not perfect I am a working progress and God isnt done with me yet. He is still working on me all of me not just the parts I want to see or what others see the invisiable parts you and I cant see the parts that are deep inside me. I had to learn to rely on God and not myself. I had to humble myself and ask God to show me what he sees when he sees me or looks at me. When I asked God to show me what he see's when he looks at me my whole perspective my whole point of view changed about my self. I was no longer seeing or looking at what I saw or what other people said about me. I was seeing myself in a whole new light becuase God opened up my eyse to a whole new view.

        I still have to do constantly and daily think postitive about myself which changes my whole mindset about who I am. Thinking Positive is very Powerful Thinking God warns us in his word that whatever we thinkenth in our hearts so thats what we are. I have to kindly remind myself I am child of God and I was created in his image. Therefore I am not ugly and unloveable. I am loved by God because he is the one that made me, created me knitted me, formed me together in my mohters womb even before she knew or was aware I even existed in her belly. To my mother I was mistake she made when she was young lady still in high school. I know my mom loves me in her own unique way. To her I was mistake because she didnt want to have a baby while in school matter of fact she never wanted to have any babys, kids or children. God used my mother and father to produce me so he could create me in his image to be like him in my mothers womb. 

        I am still learning who I am in Jesus and my heavenly father God who loves me so much. My mindset has completely changed. I am learning how to control my emotions instead of letting my emotions control me or get the best of me. I am learning how to still speak my mind how I think and feel without gettig so upset, angry or frustated that other people are not understanding how or the way I feel or see things. I still have my weak moments where I get depressed becaue my life is not easy as I see other peoples life seams so easy. I see people and watch people they seam to have it all together but I had to learn what I dont see is the struggle of the road they had to walk and travel on. I had to learn I had to stop comparing my life, goals, success and struggles to everyone I see and thats around me.I dont know what they had to go through to get to where they are and they dont know what I had to go through to get to where I am. I have my good days and bad days. I have like I dont understand why God would would give me the gift of a slow learning disability that affects how I learn things. It makes it really hard to find a job, get a job and keep a job expecially one that I am capable of doing. I feel like no matter how hard I try I am just stuck I am not going anywhere. I dont have and cant gain or learn the skills that most people can at the pace or rate employers want me to. I learning to love myself and my slow learning disability and not to let my learning disabiliy define me and who I am. Its very hard to not let my slow learning disability define who I am because its a part of me and who I am. 

        Thinking positive and positive self talk is real and does really help. As you are reading my words about my life your probaly thinking yeah right. Positive thinking is not powerful thinking but you could not be more wrong because that is so far from the truth. Maybe your thinking that okay yeah this positive thingking is powerful it works but not for me. Well have your even tried it I mean really tried it and be conistent and start where you are build on it like stepping stones you are building a staircase. Imagine and vision that you are builidng a staircase to your goals, your dreams to the life you want for yourself and your family. Those steps that are built upon each other each one each step is built form and on the previous one. Progress not perfect takes time step by step small goals on top of small goals , small dreams on top of small dreams and the ulimate goal and dream is at the very top, We can not get their without hard work and beaing fruit without God. We have to have God in the center of it all with God we can achieve all things. Imagine with a mindset like God what we can achieve if we are constantly postitive thinking whcih is powerful and we renew our mindset with Gods word we align our thinking what we believe about God ourselves then we transform our minds, hearts, spirits, souls and our lives. Our mindset is the control center of our life it controls our thiniking how we believe, feel, relationships and experiance life.

The Struggles of Having a Slow Learning Disability

        I am so tried of the stegmia of having a slow learning disabilitys and people always judging me. When people look at me they dont see the my disability I get dirty looks or looks on peoples faces says Yeah right I dont believe you. Disability does not have a certain look. You cant see my disability because its not a pyshcial disability. My disability affects how I learn things and I learn things at a slow pace then the average normal person. I was diagnosed as a young child with a learning disability. Matter of fact it was not my teacher or the school that noticed I had a learning disability. My mom is the one that caught and notied that I had a learning disability.  My mom had to fight with the school to have them hold me back in the first grade I still was not able to keep up with my classmates in a regular classroom. I was then tested over and over again with different tests. I was finally put in special education classes and I also had to take speach therapy. I had a speach problem. 

        The struggle for someone like me who has a disablitlity the struggle is even harder and ways more intense. Its easy for a normal average person to go to a job interview and land the job. I have been to job interviews and when I discussed with interviewer usually its a manager that I did have a learning disabiltiy they really dont understand what that means. I have been hired for jobs and fired from jobs because I wasnt able to learn how to do the job fast enough the manager didnt have time to train me properly. Its emabrassig and its humilating to lose your job because of a slow learning disability I was born with. I cant control how I learn things or how fast I learn things. I can learn new things it just takes me longer to learn them.

       My slow learning disability makes it hard for me to find a job I can do. I have tried to get a disability check or get my SSI disabiliy check back since I become an adult, I have been denied every time I applied for my disability check or SSI check. I cant get a disbility check or SSI check I can find and hold a study job that I cam capable of doing makes it hard to be able to stand on my own two feet and be able to support myself. I am so tried of people and my own family judges me acts like just because I have slow learning disability doesnt mean that I dont understand how to do things  for example saying things I cant manage money like my aunt telling my mom that dont put me down as one of her benefiicares on her life insurance money because of my learning disability I wont know how to handle her last dying affairs. My slow learning disability does not affect me knowing how to manage money and making sure I pay bills when they are due. My slow learning disability does not affect knowng how to take care of last and final affairs when it comes to someones death making sure the cost of having them buried or cremated is covered and paid. I am completely capable of doing all of those things and so much more.

        Please who ever reads this blog post next time you meet someone dont judge them before you get to know someone. Please dont judge your own family, coworkers, friends or friends before you really get to know them and their story and life struggles. 

Breastfeeding Support

        When I first become a mom in Novemember of 2009 I had these high espectations of being able to pump more than ounce of breast milk and I needed to have an electronic breast pump. I wish I knew what I know now that the mamas who were able to pump more than ounce or two from each breast combined were over producers. Thats not he average normal breast milk a nursing and pumping mama should be able to pump. I wish I would have known that I would have a hard time breast feeding my son when I had daughter my first born I would have contuined breast feeding her longer then what I did. When I had my son in 2015 I wanted to breast feed so badly but he would latch on correctly and I knew about nursing mamas who had the same problem and I asked the nurses over and over agian for the nurse lactation nurse to come in help me. 

        The lactation nurse was not very helpful at all I asked her about nipple tool for breast feeding mamas who are having a hard to getting their little babies to latch on correctly I told the nurse I cant get him to latch on correctly to help me get him to latch on right. The lactation nurse was rushing she was not helpful at all I had no support I felt so alone. I coulnt understand why I was having such a hard time getting my son to latch on when I had no pronblem getting my daughter to latch on when I had her in 2009. I know each baby was different I felt like a such a failure as a mom I knew that breast milk is best then formula I wanted to breastfeed but my son just wasnt having it. He just used me as a pacifier to go to sleep he wouldnt eat. He made my boonbs so sore at first once I got him to latch on correctly he just juse me as pacifier. He wasnt drinking enough milk. 

        I eventually just had to stop breastfeeding him altogether and just straight formula feed him because he wasnt getting enough of the fatty milk he needed. My body just wanst producing enough milk because the first few days was crucial that I needed him to latch on correclty to get my body to produce the milk it needed to be able to feed my baby boy my son. I felt like a bad mother to this day I wish I could have gotten him to latch on correctly. I had to learn that it was okay sometimes some babys dont latch on correctly.

        If your a breastfeeding mama or mama who wants to breastfeed look into community support groups for mamas who are breastfeeding. I wish I would have known more about the breastfeeding support groups so I could have had the support I wanted and needed when I was breastfeeding. Talk to your OBGYN talk to your doctor about your plans to breastfeed so that they can help give you all the support you need to breastfeed your baby. Talk to your doctor ask about breastfeeding support groups and any other breastfeeding support information they may have to give to you that your not awarte of. If you dont like your lactation nurse at the hosptial ask for another one if there is another you can help thats avaibale. 

        Also I wish I would have know that there was things I could have done to help my body to produce milk. Here is what I found you can make